I have never been so worried and tense all my life. These past few days has been one emotional roller coaster or the other. How could I have made this mistake? Why this sudden feeling of regret? Why do I keep ignoring my inner voice?
I want to do better….scratch that, I know deep down that I can do better but these fears and worries wouldn’t let me shine. I am pregnant. I feel pregnant again. *dried tears*.
Adaeze, this wasn’t the plan! But my biggest doubt is – will this child I carry ever be born?
I’ve been “pregnant” so many times. Pregnant with a word. Pregnant with a vision. Pregnant with a dream. Pregnant with a new beginning. Pregnant with a promise. And in all my pregnancies, I have come to understand that timing is VERY important. In fact, timing is everything.
In Ecclesiastes chapter 3, we were made to understand that there is TIME for everything. God gives us Time as the medium for carrying out our life’s assignment. To every purpose, there is a timing; to every assignment, an appointment. To fulfill destiny, God packaged us in the entity called “Time”. To live out the promise, God prepares you for the time.
His pregnancy I carry is quite heavy. Sometimes I feel like I am going to burst wide open. Sometimes the labour pains feel like too much to bear. Sometimes I don’t feel like pushing any more.
But, I know this baby MUST BE BORN.
I am not lazy. I am just tired. Or, should I say worried that I would lose this pregnancy because the time I have left to deliver is short. I am tired of my being tired. I badly want to have this baby.
Weirdly, on some days I wake up totally elated and full of energy and I virtually sprint down to work. It worries me – I think to myself, why do I feel this good? What’s wrong? But no fear: by the time I hold the pen and let the word out and fill up a line in the page of my book, I’m completely bloody blanked and knackered. Which is – incidentally – mainly what it feels like to be heavily pregnant. Blanked. Knackered.
Few days ago, my friend (although he is way more than just “a friend”) jolted me to keep writing. I couldn’t honestly place what was stopping me. I couldn’t really figure out the reason for my fear and doubts. Maybe he is the one who has been assigned to help me push. . .
Wait, I should be thankful for two things though — that I am still pregnant and that I have those who are helping me to believe that this baby will be born. 🙂
For real, I am thankful for friends who remind me of the dream. Thankful for those who push me to take a tiny step forward. Life without them in it seems unfathomable to me. They challenge me to keep on keeping on. To write to you. To share it with you. Because I feel like you’ve been through battles and slept in the same foxholes as I have. My strengths come right alongside my vulnerabilities, and surely yours must too. Maybe, just maybe. . . we can do this together.
That’s why I write.
That’s why I share.
That’s why I blog.
And when it hurts the most. I’ll just put one foot in front of the other. And write.
And when it’s hard to explain the feeling. I’ll just hold my pen. And let it.
Because we are in this together.
Maybe if we choose to believe we conceived right from the beginning of the year, then we can believe that we are entering into the ninth month of our pregnancy.
Let’s believe it is possible.
Let’s believe it will happen.
Let’s believe the baby will be born.
Don’t give way to frustration. God has your future in His hands—because it’s His future too!