I don’t know how to live normally since my mum passed. I panic at every phone call . I sit at my office desk & I struggle to concentrate. Thoughts and thoughts just keep crawling in. How’s my dad? Has he eaten? Who is at home with him? Are my brothers safe?
Is this phase the condolence visitors talked about because it ain’t easy one bit.
I sleep so late these days. Even when I do sleep early, my worries disguised at dreams keeps preventing me from getting the rest I deserve. This new baton passed onto me suddenly got me in tears . I want to tell my mum so many things right now, because with this new role I think I have an idea of what she must have gone through raising myself and my 5 younger brothers.
I want to tell her thank you for not giving up on us because trust me we weren’t the easiest kids to train. I want to obey all the instructions she gave us. I want to send all those monies she called me to ask for. I want to pick all those calls I couldn’t pick because of work. I want go home everyday and not every weekend to see her. I want to buy more flasks and beverages for her, oh how much she loved taking her tea. I want to wake her every morning to lead the house in prayers, her voice was so loud and soft – I remember my dad softly telling her to reduce her voice. I want to hear her sing Nigeria songs in ways the artist would have sued her if they heard how she bastardized their songs. I want to tell her to dance more often to annoy us especially Ebuka. I want her to hug me so tight without me struggling to leave her bossom. It breaks my heart that I can’t do this anymore. If only I knew that the morning of June 12 would be the last day I’d speak with you on the phone.
But then I think of the rest of my family and I am forced to stay strong but truthfully I am as scared and weak as they are. I am in tears so yes Ada cries too. She ain’t as strong as you all think. I am a big baby and a complete mess. They say we can’t question God but He could have given us a warning to at least prepare. Gush, I wasn’t prepared! We had just talked about my arrival the next day & I had just sent you money for stew When my phone rang later that evening and I saw my mum’s number calling I picked it up and said, “Mama Ada How far?” but the message I got and the voice that broke the news to me is something I will never forget . This pain hurts on a different level, today. We never even carry you go flex before Death came
Keep resting Mummy I am trying my best to be strong. I now cook the food you wouldn’t allow me cook for your husband, Yes, I am cooking it and he loves them all. Thank you for teaching me how to. It still hurts and I am still crying