One thing is certain, we learn every day! Good or bad, knowledge is gained daily! It’s funny how we think we know so much about something and even advice our friends on how to act but we fail woefully when we have to instil those virtues personally.

As an African woman, we experience a lot of pressures on a daily basis, especially from our parents. God helps you if you aren’t married yet, you become a subject of discussion. One thing our loved ones fail to understand is that sometimes this pressure pushes us to repeat mistakes we promised ourselves we would never do again. One of the many mistakes is confusing SEX as LOVE and vice versa.

Dear ladies, it is time we tell ourselves the truth and own up to what we already know that sex is not love. Love and sex are NOT the same things. Love is an emotion or a feeling. There is no one definition of love because the word “love” can mean many different things to many different people. Sex, on the other hand, is a biological event. 

Sadly, men are frustrated with women because they never seem to want sex. Women are frustrated with men because they always seem to want sex. Women blame men that they don’t know how to love. Men blame women that they only talk about love but don’t want to prove it. 

Let me give you a personal scenario from my plenty table of experiences, two years ago I met this great guy via Whatsapp, he was a business expert and was suppose to help me get my company – ZEENAK MEDIA AGENCY registered by the Corporate Affairs Commission whilst in the process of the registration we got personal and before we knew it we were ‘head over heels’ about each other. We talked day and night, he was an officer of the law and I was looking forward to his grand arrival. 

Oh dear lord, I planned everything, picked out the perfect dress, fixed my nail, got a new hairdo and drove down to the airport waiting to give my baby a kiss and hug the man I had been sharing my secrets and fears with. Well yeah, we had the perfect evening (let your imagination guide you) and even spent every other day together. He was the sweetest, he laughed at my joke, he kissed me out of the blue, he held my hand – I thought I was in heaven. Then one night, he started talking about travelling home for Christmas and somewhere deep down, I knew that “our relationship” was coming to an end. And yes, a few weeks later I got the expected message – Ada, you are sweet and everything a man wants but I am not ready. Ouch!!

It was then that it dawned on me that, no matter how great, sex with a person is it doesn’t necessarily mean they love you. And yes ladies, the worse sex can actually come from a guy who truly loves you, if you are searching for a long time relationship sex SHOULD NOT be top on your list. The hard truth, right? Sorry but not sorry!

When you are in love with someone, it doesn’t really matter if they aren’t really that good in bed. What matters more to you is how they assure you that they will always be there for you whenever you need them without asking them to stay. They would always make you feel special and show you how much they care for you. Now bring your scoffed nose down and face the truth.

Here’s how The Holy Scriptures defines Love according to 1 Corinthians 13:4-8,13

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails…But now faith, hope, love, abide these three; but the GREATEST of these is LOVE.” Sex can’t do all of the aforementioned.

You can have sex and not be in love. You can be in love and not engage in sex. You could have sex with someone just because you feel horny. Loving a person is completely a different story. A man may hate you and still have sex with you – GOOGLE RAPE. Be wise. Using sex to manipulate a man will eventually fail. It is self-deception to think that giving him sex will make him love you – I learnt this the HARD WAY. True Love will never force you to engage in sex.

Here’s how the world paints love – They go to bed, have their fling, get up the next morning, and everything is fine. What happened to enjoying each other’s company? What happened to praying together? What happened to the Bible verse that says your body is the temple of the Lord? What happened to uprightness and righteousness? What happened to being CHRIST-LIKE? What happened to all that?!

A man who doesn’t love you will not change his mind because of sex. If he tells you to ‘prove your love’ by having sex with him. He is only using you. If he is in it for the sex, ‘better sex’ will take him away from you. READ THIS PARAGRAPH AGAIN!

Making yourself his ‘sex slave’ is foolish. Love will never shame or degrade you. If you have made the mistake of trying to use sex to buy this man, now is the time to re-assess your relationship and build it on the right foundation. If he gets married to you because ‘the sex is good’, it will be fatal to your marriage. Let him get married to you because he loves you, honours you, feels a strong emotional, mental and spiritual connection with you and wants you to spend the rest of his life with you.

Sex could be addictive. Sex could make you do certain acts which could ruin you but being in love is more addictive.

Sex is still something special and valued. It’s still better to have sex with someone you really love not just because of the security that they could give you afterwards but you could really say that you made love with someone special and not just with any person who just wants to play games with you. Sometimes having casual sex makes you feel empty afterwards. It makes you question if your “animal side” was just up for it or if you would want to have a deeper connection with the person you had casual sex with.

I know how this might sound kinda harsh to my readers especially the ladies but please control your expectations so you don’t end up pressurizing an innocent man. I also do not think it’s realistic for any woman to assume that a man that has looked her way (sexually) is readily in love with her. Such women even begin to feel ‘entitled’ because sex is involved…sex is not love. 

It has been said a thousand times that men and women are wired differently, thus for a man, sex is a physical act that eases the biological pressure he experiences constantly. Only after this tension has gone, can a man begin to think straight. This is why it often happens that men (in some cases) disappear after they get what they want. It is not love; it’s just some hormonal pressure. Sex for most men is a ‘relaxant’ of sorts.

Dear couples, I can’t tell you when to have sex in your relationship but personally having sex early in a relationship can be hazardous for the woman (who wants more from a man); the man has not had the time to develop any romantic feelings for her. He needs time to develop those feelings and it is not what sex alone can achieve. 

Things have become so pathetic that some people don’t even know what to discuss with each other any more once the ‘sex marathon’ is over. What I am saying is that if the only thing that seems to bind a lady to a man is sex, then none should delude him/herself into believing that love is at work.

Just remember: if you find yourself mostly checking out their body, it’s lust. If in getting to know someone, feelings emerge, that’s a connection which can lead to love. If it’s about edifying your own desires, it’s lust. If it’s about another’s well-being, it’s love.

Don’t try to get with people you predominantly wanted to sleep with, and do not be quick to bed people you’re building something with.

Do you think sex is love and is sex love? I will love to read your opinions please share with me via the comment section. Let me also know what you think about this article generally.

In your heart, In your head, With my words.